it says it all

I do not exist, but faithfully insist
Sailing in our separate ships
and from each tiny caravelle
Tiring and trying there's unnecessary dying
like the horseshoe crab in its proper seasons sheds its shell
Such distance from our friends
like a scratch across a lens,
made everything look wrong from anywhere we stood
and our paper blew away before we'd left the bay,
so half-blind we wrote these songs on sheets of salty wood

Caught me making eyes at the other boatman's wives,
and heard me laughing louder at the jokes told by their daughters
I'd set my course for land,
but you well understand
it takes a steady hand to navigate adulterous waters
The propeller's spinning blades held acquaintance with the waves
as there's mistakes I've made no rowing could outrun
The cloth blowing on the mast like to say I've got no past
but I'm nonetheless the librarian and secretary's son
with tarnish on my brass and mildew on my glass,
I'd never want someone so crass as to want someone like me
but a few leagues off the shore, I bit a flashing lure
and I assure you, it was not what I expected it to be!
I still taste its kiss, that dull hook in my lip
is a memory as useless as a rod without a reel
To an anchor ever-dropped, seasick yet still docked
Captain spotted napping with his first mate at the wheel,
floating forgetfully along, with no need to be strong
We keep our confessions long and when we pray we keep it short

I drank a thimble full of fire and I'm not ever coming back

Oh, my God!

I do not exist we faithfully insist
while watching sink the heavy ship of everything we knew
If ever you come near I'll hold up high a mirror
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You

i don't know what to do with you

the list of things in my head.

1. the new band of horses album is phenomenal. so is wilco. new music makes my life better. add the arcade fire to that as well.
2. i am starting to become more sentimental about the things i do in the valley. i am not going to be able to spend time with my friends whenever i wish, ride my bike or read, go on photo excursions or take off to fresno. these things are starting to take more meaning, whether intentional or not.
3. england is not fake. it is real. it is a very real place with really hurting kids. i want to be a part of a change.
4. i am not sure whether or not people are truly committed to love as they say they are. i am not sure whether or not i am. self-interest and love usually do not mix.
5. i now only drink coffee out of a french press. more flavor, stronger consistency. and cheap.
6. i got a haircut and i am a little skeptical of it. i went back to the faux hawk and rattail. not sure how its going to work out. maybe its an opportunity to wear more hats.
7. i currently am reading a book of short stories by langston hughes called 'the ways of white folks'. one particular story, entitled 'rejuvenation through joy', is the tale of a few men who start a 'Colony of Joy' as a scheme to extract money from rich, white socialites. They set up a lecture series each morning and evening with individual sessions for members in the afternoons. ultimately, the colony is undone by jealousy between women who become enamored with the leader. there is a particular passage that i thought to share that was quite poignant.

'So they fell out. But Lesche (the leader) didn't quit. It might have been better if he had, for Spring that year was all too sudden and full of implications. The very earth seemed to moan with excess of joy. Life was just too much to bear alone. It needed to be shared, its beauty given to others, taken in return. Its eternal newness united.'

I know that is how i feel most of the time. i want to share the eternal newness of vitality and hope and be united with others in that. i'd like to see photographs of that in life.

funny feeling

i got my wisdom teeth pulled today. it has been pretty awesome. so far i have played 2 seasons of madden 06, checked my email at least 17 times, listened to the entirety of allen ginsberg's 'howl' and am looking forward to working on my support letters for england. its going to be a good one.

finishing grace (eventually)

...

we are his portion/
and he is our prize/
drawn to redemption/
by the grace in his eyes/
if grace is an ocean/
we're all sinking.
(j) macmillan

just a passing moment gone...

i was rereading some of my journal entries today and I found alot of them really interesting. I felt like I should share one particular passage. It's about the tension that I felt in my life at the time, something that I think most of us live in the majority of our lives. I'll let it speak for itself...

9/16
I live in this tension-filled place.
-between being secure financially and living without it in mind
-between being accepting of everyone and everything and holding to some sort of standard
-between living and talking about Jesus
-between restlessness that won't go away and a peace that lasts
-between listening to another's perspective and understanding my own
-between the implications socially and politically of Jesus and the realities that I see of what Christianity has become
-between letting God love me and being too proud for that
-between being forgiving of others that I hardly know and harsh with those that I care about most
-between justice and charity
-between grace and truth

It's difficult to fully articulate what the last several weeks have meant. On one level, there has been a liberation, a loosening of the mental constraints that I felt have kept me from experiencing an unqualifiable transmission of vitality. When I am with (name), I feel completely comfortable, with a sense that there is a fluidity to our interaction, like water flowing from a stream into the ocean of dialogue. In that setting, there is complete freedom, complete hope, complete peace. (Name) has taught me more about this than anyone. The way he is so selfless allows the interaction to happen. On another level, I get a sense that through these experiences, I am forming or constructing a lens of meaning that will color the situations I am in. I pray 3 things for that perspective.

1. That it would be centered on the peace and well-being of everyone at any personal expense or sacrifice
2.That it would be humble and gentle in spirit
3. That it would love everyone without qualification or condition

thanks for reading.

the appeal of urban

i am not sure why rap/hip-hop is so appealing to white suburban folk.

bleed my failure into something right

last night, bryan (bryanfeil.blogspot.com) and i headed out to san luis obispo to catch a show with rocky votolato. it was a very enjoyable evening. we headed out from fresno around 4pm and were in slo by 6. on the way, we had a bit of a scare. just before kettleman city, we had the windows rolled down and were cruising. all of a sudden, a distinct smell drifted inside of our car. bryan commented 'something smells good'. about 10 seconds later, smoke began to fill the car. we looked around for about a minute and couldn't find anything. then, bryan looked in the back seat and shouted 'oh man, pull over!' it seems that somehow a sweatshirt in the back had caught on fire and the flames were rather prominent. since bryan is adept at handling any situation, he quickly put out the flames and saved our lives from sure and sudden death. however, the fire left an impressionable consequence on the sweatshirt. too bad.

we ended up eating at the splash cafe on monterey street. there is nothing like splash clam chowder and a bread bowl. we headed to the steynberg gallery, found out the show was going to start around 8pm and headed out to walk san luis. the downtown scene proved satisfactory, especially the fremont theater and its' wonderful marquis lit up at night.

we headed back to the gallery, the show started and the first 2 bands were solid. then rocky came on. it was one of the best shows i have been too in a long time. the sound was crisp with the pedal steel adding in a perfect bluegrass feel to the tunes. rocky's music has this ability to transcend the tension of living in situations that are harmful to the human heart and rise above to something greater. that ability is also evident in his singing when, at times, his concentration and focus on the construction of meaning in the lyrics comes out in a raspy, loud, tension-filled yelp. it's a beautiful thing.

caught me looking through
your eyes / no I'm not doing alright / I'm just as stupid and
desperate as I've always been / all the uselessness I write
just come at me with a knife / come cut this sickness from my
mind / help me forget about a shattered lie / bleed my failure
into something right
-the nights disguise (r)votolato

straddling the line of revolution...

currently, i am reading che: a revolutionary life by jon lee anderson. as per my interest in history, i find figures that have been completely devoted to their cause fascinating. ernesto 'che' guevara is no exception. his unwavering commitment to the politics of Marxism and socialism took root in his early to mid 20s. on his second trip through south america, he traveled to guatemala during the country's leftist revolution and subsequent diplomatic stand-off with the united states. all sorts of latin american political exiles had gathered in guatemala to lend their support to jacobo arbenz guzman, the guatemalan president at the time who had pledged to wean the nation off of its' colonial-era dependency upon the united states economically. it is in this context that che met a broad range. by that time, guevara had seen enough of the poverty and economic injustice of the exploitative economic system during his travels in south america. for guevara, the lone proponent behind the oppressive system was the united states, whose monopoly of latin american natural resources and industry left the majority of caribbean and a handful of south american countries under american economic control. the united states, in guevara's view, played puppet master with latin american governments. with this in mind, che's interaction with other politically-minded people was intriguing.

during political discussions, che would question and debate with others, mainly regarding the role of the united states in latin america. for guevara, this was the litmus test in deciding who agreed with him and who he would decidedly oppose. if a person had similar views but did not go far enough to act on that perspective, in his mind, they were the same as someone who disagreed with him. from that point, guevara would alienate that person. this become a common occurence in his life: idealistically being for 'the people' yet not hesitating to oppose, or even kill, certain individuals that he saw as threatening to his goal of complete social revolution.

while my perspective as a pacifist and christian are certainly at odds with guevara, i resonate with the dichotomy he found himself in. at times, i become very angry and bitter towards people who i deem to be 'closed-minded', 'ignorant', or worse, 'apathetic'. in my heart, i do the same things as he did. i write people off because i don't think they get it. i don't listen to their perspective because i 'know' that mine is the right one, or at least the most godly. (ha.) sometimes, during arguments, i sit back in my chair, keeping quiet in my moral superiority, because i read the newspaper and know that there is a horrific genocide occuring in darfur, or that in some parts of the world, the economic injustice is equal to that of slavery or the hacienda system. at my core, i can be a smug, pretentious, cynical punk. there is a tension within me because of this, because i know it to be wrong, because i know that christ's love was sacrificial, humble and selfless, three qualities that should mark our relationships. i guess the line of theory and practice straddles that most of the time in my life. i don't want to hate. i want a way out, to love and be free.

Spacial Differences

A significant amount of time has passed since my trek with Tim. As my upcoming semi-permanent journey to England is at hand quickly, I figured that I would turn our blog into a journal of my own. Thoughts, queries, and amusing anecdotes shall fill this space. I love you all.