it says it all

I do not exist, but faithfully insist
Sailing in our separate ships
and from each tiny caravelle
Tiring and trying there's unnecessary dying
like the horseshoe crab in its proper seasons sheds its shell
Such distance from our friends
like a scratch across a lens,
made everything look wrong from anywhere we stood
and our paper blew away before we'd left the bay,
so half-blind we wrote these songs on sheets of salty wood

Caught me making eyes at the other boatman's wives,
and heard me laughing louder at the jokes told by their daughters
I'd set my course for land,
but you well understand
it takes a steady hand to navigate adulterous waters
The propeller's spinning blades held acquaintance with the waves
as there's mistakes I've made no rowing could outrun
The cloth blowing on the mast like to say I've got no past
but I'm nonetheless the librarian and secretary's son
with tarnish on my brass and mildew on my glass,
I'd never want someone so crass as to want someone like me
but a few leagues off the shore, I bit a flashing lure
and I assure you, it was not what I expected it to be!
I still taste its kiss, that dull hook in my lip
is a memory as useless as a rod without a reel
To an anchor ever-dropped, seasick yet still docked
Captain spotted napping with his first mate at the wheel,
floating forgetfully along, with no need to be strong
We keep our confessions long and when we pray we keep it short

I drank a thimble full of fire and I'm not ever coming back

Oh, my God!

I do not exist we faithfully insist
while watching sink the heavy ship of everything we knew
If ever you come near I'll hold up high a mirror
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You

i don't know what to do with you

the list of things in my head.

1. the new band of horses album is phenomenal. so is wilco. new music makes my life better. add the arcade fire to that as well.
2. i am starting to become more sentimental about the things i do in the valley. i am not going to be able to spend time with my friends whenever i wish, ride my bike or read, go on photo excursions or take off to fresno. these things are starting to take more meaning, whether intentional or not.
3. england is not fake. it is real. it is a very real place with really hurting kids. i want to be a part of a change.
4. i am not sure whether or not people are truly committed to love as they say they are. i am not sure whether or not i am. self-interest and love usually do not mix.
5. i now only drink coffee out of a french press. more flavor, stronger consistency. and cheap.
6. i got a haircut and i am a little skeptical of it. i went back to the faux hawk and rattail. not sure how its going to work out. maybe its an opportunity to wear more hats.
7. i currently am reading a book of short stories by langston hughes called 'the ways of white folks'. one particular story, entitled 'rejuvenation through joy', is the tale of a few men who start a 'Colony of Joy' as a scheme to extract money from rich, white socialites. They set up a lecture series each morning and evening with individual sessions for members in the afternoons. ultimately, the colony is undone by jealousy between women who become enamored with the leader. there is a particular passage that i thought to share that was quite poignant.

'So they fell out. But Lesche (the leader) didn't quit. It might have been better if he had, for Spring that year was all too sudden and full of implications. The very earth seemed to moan with excess of joy. Life was just too much to bear alone. It needed to be shared, its beauty given to others, taken in return. Its eternal newness united.'

I know that is how i feel most of the time. i want to share the eternal newness of vitality and hope and be united with others in that. i'd like to see photographs of that in life.

funny feeling

i got my wisdom teeth pulled today. it has been pretty awesome. so far i have played 2 seasons of madden 06, checked my email at least 17 times, listened to the entirety of allen ginsberg's 'howl' and am looking forward to working on my support letters for england. its going to be a good one.

finishing grace (eventually)

...

we are his portion/
and he is our prize/
drawn to redemption/
by the grace in his eyes/
if grace is an ocean/
we're all sinking.
(j) macmillan

just a passing moment gone...

i was rereading some of my journal entries today and I found alot of them really interesting. I felt like I should share one particular passage. It's about the tension that I felt in my life at the time, something that I think most of us live in the majority of our lives. I'll let it speak for itself...

9/16
I live in this tension-filled place.
-between being secure financially and living without it in mind
-between being accepting of everyone and everything and holding to some sort of standard
-between living and talking about Jesus
-between restlessness that won't go away and a peace that lasts
-between listening to another's perspective and understanding my own
-between the implications socially and politically of Jesus and the realities that I see of what Christianity has become
-between letting God love me and being too proud for that
-between being forgiving of others that I hardly know and harsh with those that I care about most
-between justice and charity
-between grace and truth

It's difficult to fully articulate what the last several weeks have meant. On one level, there has been a liberation, a loosening of the mental constraints that I felt have kept me from experiencing an unqualifiable transmission of vitality. When I am with (name), I feel completely comfortable, with a sense that there is a fluidity to our interaction, like water flowing from a stream into the ocean of dialogue. In that setting, there is complete freedom, complete hope, complete peace. (Name) has taught me more about this than anyone. The way he is so selfless allows the interaction to happen. On another level, I get a sense that through these experiences, I am forming or constructing a lens of meaning that will color the situations I am in. I pray 3 things for that perspective.

1. That it would be centered on the peace and well-being of everyone at any personal expense or sacrifice
2.That it would be humble and gentle in spirit
3. That it would love everyone without qualification or condition

thanks for reading.

the appeal of urban

i am not sure why rap/hip-hop is so appealing to white suburban folk.