thoughts while sitting in a tree in San Francisco

I sensed a great sadness in the people.

It wasn't even about the smell of marijuana wafting through the air or the endless amounts of cheap/gourmet bottles of alcohol being consumed by seemingly everyone, the level of self-medication really being a surface-level symptom of what was going on. It was the look in their eyes; the de-sensitized, zombie-like way in which they slid past each other, trying to connect with someone, anyone really, who would value them. Here, in this city that is famous for its' progressive, liberal, free-thinking ways, a place where anything/anyone is "accepted", I saw a devastating level of aloneness. The disconnect could not have been greater.

It was like I was watching a bunch of post-2000 Kerouacs and Cassadys, roaming one of the most beautiful city parks in America that served as their own Big Sur or Mexico, searching, looking, seeking but never finding. In many ways, the crowd reflected a resigned acceptance of profound disappointment in a dying American dream: If this was the end result of an American civilization that promised them freedom, prosperity and a vibrant life, they had yet to find any thing of substance or genuineness or authenticity to hold on to within that dream.

The man in the mustard yellow overcoat hopped on the tree root over and over again, as if he was a child playing, needing to test its' ability to support him. His dance partner, a beautiful girl with a vintage camera slung around her neck, drunkenly moved to the music, floating around groups of people clustered together. The connection being temporal, they spun each other around and swayed and bobbed their head. But they never laughed. Or smiled. Or indicated that there was any level of enjoyment or pleasure derived from the moment. They were there because everyone else was, because they wanted to connect to something real, maybe to each other. But, recognizing that they wouldn't or couldn't find it, their lips & eyes betrayed them in disclosing what was really going on.

I sensed a great sadness in them.

In contrast, two brothers from North Carolina stood on stage, singing songs about love, pretty girls, their family and things that had endured in their lives. What was so captivating about the activity surrounding the stage was the very apparent depth and passion emanating from the musicians: not only did they believe in what they were singing, it fulfilled them, gave them purpose, brought their souls alive. When they launched into 'Tin Man', the words hovered over the crowd, mixing with the tobacco and ganja smoke in the overcast sky, articulating nearly too accurately what was happening in the hearts of the 10,000 gathered:

I used to fill the sky around with happiness and joy
I had news to give the wind to keep myself and heart employed
I felt people move around me
I felt loneliness and shame
Back then every day was different, now each moment is the same

I miss it
I miss it
Oh, I miss that feeling of feeling

I've rarely felt such a dissonant moment.

Post Script: My good friend Taylor Armerding shared with me a really solid Kurt Vonnegut quote this morning supplementing my thoughts: "What should young people do with their lives? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured." Genius.

funny story

i like when funny stories are around in my life. they're comfortable and make things light-hearted. seeing that i prefer to take myself (un)seriously, it's important to laugh. i'd like to share one of them that has entered the fray (and by the fray, i don't mean adult-contempo pop out of the denver metropolitan area).

1. last year around this time, i started to get into the avett brothers. i resonate deeply with their straight-forward, genuine yet un-corny lyrics. i was living in pasadena with tim and nikki haydock and we were all digging their jams. one such song, 'murder in the city', and, more specifically, one line in said tune has had pretty significant meaning to me. so much so, that my sister and i will be getting the lyric tattooed on to our mortal bodies within the next few months. the lyric goes as follows:

always remember

there was nothing worth sharing

like the love

that let us share our name

pretty poignant, right? especially if you have deep, honest, genuine relationships with the folks whose circle you were born into.

:digression.

the aforementioned friend tim haydock is facebook friends with his namesake, one timothy haydock, of stoke-upon-trent, staffordshire, united kingdom. while having never met in person, there has been consistent discussion/back-and-forth via the interwebs with the english mr. haydock and the entire haydock family of fresno, california.

end:digression.

last spring, california tim haydock put the previously mentioned lyric as his status update, and, understandably so. within minutes, who was the first person to 'like' this status? english timothy haydock. my mind was blown. they share their name. it was so literal. and so genius. love knows no bounds apparently when you share your name, whether you've met the person or not.

so, here's to funny stories and the things that people do and say that make life great.

a foray into the kerouacian mind

liberal, diverse, too much alcohol at times

fixed gear bikes and the invasion of northern kids, looking for a sense of culture that strip malls can't and won't offer

methheads spewing stream-of-consciousness rants at mythical bears following them down the street

a police station on broadway, stacked to the deep, looking like a lone fortress in this forest of decay/life

too much coffee, too many cigarettes, hipsters claiming psuedo-elitism until a relationship gets you in

blank stares from the people at the bus stop

the same stare from the people rolling through in the beamers

friends smoking blunts or bowls in parking lots, casual like it was tobacco

friends who also give meaning to the forgotten people of this strip: a half-Asian, one-sleeved vagabond and a guy whose beard is the envy of many

the Asian bar, the Hispanic bar, the pub, the club.....ish

somehow, it all works

somehow, it's enough and not enough

this is my place

we borrow, we share, there's music everywhere

i've been inspired by my friend tim to reflect and offer my favorite albums of the decade. these aren't the best, the most poignant (although that does play a large part, what with my incessant need for idealistic reflection) or the critically acclaimed. these are albums that have meant more than the packaging and clever titles; they've become soundtracks to specific periods in my life, times when music was my best (and sometimes only) friend.

that being said, i'd like to present 7 albums from the 2000s, as opposed to the standard of 10, or in tim's case, 12. why 7? god's number. it's a nice round number, depending on your definition of round. what's wrong with a bit of kissing up to the divine?

david bazan 'fewer moving parts'

bazan moves me into the middle, a place between faith and doubt, of question and answer, of realizing my knowledge/experience of things isn't as clear as i'd like to think it is. his lyrical ability is compelling, witty and irreverent and on 'fewer moving aparts', he takes a crack at 5 tracks in acoustic/full band form, splitting the gap with a message of (un)knowingness. listening to "backwoods nation" for the first time was important in my political journey; the honesty and candor with which he speaks is something i took for my own personal narrative.

the cool kids 'the bake sale'

call it hipster-hop, call it a return to late '80s-early '90s hip-hop by a few dudes from chicago, call it whatever you want: 'the bake sale' was the sound of good times for me. the delivery slow, the verses cleverly arrogant, the fixation with pop culture, these tracks hit me...and hard.

delta spirit 'ode to sunshine'

absolutely brilliant debut lp. they have this ability to create finely composed tunes that are catchy yet musically experimental enough. lyrically, they deal with important issues without being too sentimental or preachy, something i appreciate with most bands failing at that. seeing them as soon as i got back from the UK was a brilliant welcome back party. it was even better because my best friends (and hillary duff! oMg!) were there to share in the experience. if you've never listened to "trashcan" full blast on the stereo and danced your heart out, you haven't lived.

bon iver 'for emma, forever ago'

justin vernon became my new favorite mountain man with this. completely epic and so minimalist. his falsetto makes me think i can sing and speaks to my soul. i can't imagine what seeing him live would be like. it reminds me of overcast, gray mornings, catching the bus to work in london and times spent reflecting on life in my room alone with a cup of french press.

the perishers 'let there be morning'

this is the most specific of the bunch. it takes me back to when relationships were in between, where the significant people in my life operated in a liminal space. while the tone and sound is positive on first listen, the album is lush with layers, sonically and lyrically. "weekends" and "pills" leave me speechless every time.

death cab for cutie 'plans'

possibly the most influential album i listened to in the last decade. i was given a previous effort 'the photo album' by a friend and thought it was pretty good. then i bought 'plans'. ben gibbard said so many things i didn't know how to and the band added excellent musicianship and creativity to create a perfect storm. the album has this almost cinematic quality to it, as if it's inviting you to come along and watch it unfold but also to participate in the story. it taught me to listen to music collectively; some of the best discussions i've had about music has been about 'plans'.

mewithoutYou "brother, sister"

equal parts spoken word delivery, equal parts experimental psychedelia with a penchant for minor chords, brother/sister was instrumental in highlighting the importance of analogy for me. it's ok to be wordy and mask a larger truth in a whimsical delivery and clever lyric. it reminds me of a time that my friends and i shared a brilliant summer and an unfortunate situation; we were brought together by the words, 'god is love and love is real'.

somewhere in the midwest

on to the next one

Vlog: Day 2

Date: November 3, 2009

Time: 1:19 MT

Location: almost to Tucumcari, NM

Music: Delta Spirit “Strange Vines”

Weather: Sunny, but not happy sunny - mischevious “I’m gonna mess with you today” sunny

Jordan told me I’d have to roll with the punches on this road trip. I just didn’t expect a gravel road to do the punching.

As we were driving, Jordan felt the impulse to stop and take a few roadside pictures of the massive empty expanse that is eastern New Mexico. We did. It was windy and the pictures are fresh. In my excitement for windy freshness, I skipped back to the car. And I tripped… and I fell… I am not a small child. In fact, I do not consider myself to be clumsy, yet I tripped over something (Jordan blames my shoelaces - I think it was a rock) I attempted to catch myself - first with my feet. Then when that failed, my second option became my left hand and my right elbow, seeing as I was carrying the camera [thanks dad, you’ve taught me to care more about protecting the camera I’m holding than my own body J] I had a moment of panic – this feeling is so foreign. I am 20 years old and scraping myself up is certainly not in my age description. Nevertheless, there I was: stomach on the ground, smelling asphalt. I groaned a little and then, “Jordaaaaan. I fell.” In retrospect, did he not wonder where I went when I suddenly wasn’t on the other side of the car? He came over and helped me up and I began to examine the damage. “Skin is not supposed to do that,” I said. The larger-than-gravel rocks decided to take up carving and I was there practice material. We drove until we found a gas station, I cleaned myself up, bought some Neosporin, Band-Aids and Advil and we’re back on the road. I’m still giggling about it.

Gallup, New Mexico was rather uneventful, but sufficient in the Eat and Sleep Division and they win first place for Most Indian Stores. Despite stares from the locals at The Coffee House, we rounded up some hot drinks and hit it again. Until Albuquerque, we vlogged and discussed what body part we would allow to be bitten off – you know, if you were in prison… among biters…. and they let you choose. We both settled on a butt cheek. Who needs ‘em? Albuquerque satisfied our Starbucks fix and gifted us with The Avett Brothers’ new album “I and Love and You.”

And now we press on.

might be the boring bit

Date: November 2, 2009

Time: 7:06pm MT (Mountain Time, Mennonite Time, Mingin' Trannies)

Location: Navajo Blvd, Eastern Arizona (just take a left at Flagstaff and you'll hit it in about 90 minutes)

Weather: a clear sky and an even more clear moon

Music: Laura Marling, Britain's finest female vocalist, singing sweet ditties into the collective Wiebe ear

Eastern Arizona's flat. Flat like a pancake griddle or a spatula or any other cooking utensil used for breakfast (except a whisp, used to make batter for previously mentioned pancakes.) Man, IHOP sounds good......actually, it sounds gross. Maybe a bit of both? Disagree to agree.

Jordan checking in. Where to begin? I've thoroughly enjoyed the time spent making the highways and byways my bizznle, although I had to tap out after a solid 575 miles. There's only so much one can do. In addition, I wanted to give the Hare (as she will be henceforth referred to) some time behind the wheel. She's doing exceptionally well, giving ample space for semis and signalling well in advance. What can I say, the kid's got talent.

We point our 'rich kid Volvo', as christened by one Bryan Feil, towards Gallup, Newt Mecksicko, where we will stop, eat, rest and try not to be picked up on by truckers. The road gets lonely and sometimes, folks will take what they can get. We will barricade ourselves in the hotel room, taking advantage of the free HBO and free WiFi provided by the generous Travelodge, which was ascertained by our main man William Shatner at priceline.com. Cheers, Mr. Trekky!

Sidenote: Anika just asked, 'can someone to go to jail for verbal abuse?' I'm afraid she's working herself up to an oral tirade upon me, unleashing the combined wrath, fury and wit of a British comedian and Bill O'Reilly.

Reflections on Arizona: Mountainous, desert-y, boring at times, thrilling at others. The folks in Flagstaff were pleasant enough. I greatly appreciate the state's placing of highway signs directly underneath the center of the overpass. aesthetically, it's pleasing to the eye and, in a way, more efficient than CA's insistence on stand alone signs along the right shoulder of the road. Saves money, looks better, a proverbial rejection of the culture of governmental 'pork', precious tax dollars being used efficiently. GBA!

Things to look forward to:

1. A detailed ranking of best possible locations for a utopian community on our route a la The Village

2. A daily morning vlog

3. Requests/conclusions for topics of discussion

Cheers!

and so it begins...

Date: November 2, 2009

Time: 9:02 am PST

Location: 99 South passing through Delano

Music: mewithoutYou “Bullet to Binary Part II”

Weather: Clear and Sunny - like Bono

After an hour of driving, I’ve written an introduction to the 3-5 page book response that was due 4 weeks ago. It’s a good thing I’m on top of things…

“Do you think we could listen to 6 straight “This American Life”s in a row? That’d be pretty crazy.” Jordan interrupts my writing with his game plan to pass time for the first half of today’s trip. Apparently I am the hare and he is the tortoise on this venture. Can you blame me? It’s my first legitimate road trip as a semi-adult with my older semi-adult best friend brother. I think I would rather have my newbie fervor for the open road though than his seasoned-road-trip-veteran lack of enthusiasm. It’s like our fat sausage dog Ginger and Trevor Jones’ two year old daughter, Berkeley. She is excited about life and falling on Ginger. Ginger is not. Unfortunately for Jordan, he has no beds to hide under… and I will fall on him.

So far this morning, we Starbucksed: iced coffee with 2 shots & Madeleine shortbreads / iced vanilla chai tea with soy & a banana. We bought Scanner 911 app on Jordan’s iPhone and thought about making some citizen’s arrests on our way. We read 1 John 1 and received our first phone call from Andy Ortiz – whom we had seen only an hour earlier at Starbucks (We love you Andy J) and now we make our first turn off onto the 58 East – new territory to both of us. Only good things are ahead.

Date: November 2, 2009

Time: 4:00 pm MT

Location: 40 East – somewhere between Kingman and Flagstaff (Arizoooona)

Music: Ben Harper “When She Believes”

Weather: Clear to Clear

I can’t pop my left ear. Son of a biscuit. Positives however: speed limit is 75. Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! Jordan is contemplating a career as a dance instructor – dream big brother!

From the 58 East we worked our way toward Barstow. And wasn’t THAT a bust?! Made a completely pointless trip to Vons in search for Jamba Juice [What were you thinking Google maps??] However, gas at Valero, a free envelope from a girl who thought Jordan was cute, and Carl’s Jr: big carl, natural cut fries, coke / chicken stars, crisscuts, dr. pepper, satisfied anything that Barstow itself failed to fulfill. Later, we entered into some theological discussion and would like to extend the invitation to provide us with more theological issues to discuss. Hit us with your best shot!

Not too long after, I decided to take control of the music selection. Needless to say, Jordan was less than thrilled with my choice of “Party in the U.S.A.” by Miley Cyrus. (However, he was “nodding his head, like yeah” – it must be love) He proceeded to exile me to the land of large headphones and I suppose it’s a good thing because now - in 8 hours, I have a whole page of my paper! Somewhere in there Jordan slowed down to about 50 miles on the 40 to make sure we both got pictures of the Arizona sign, but then it didn’t come and then it still didn’t come… yet we precariously held up our cameras pointed toward where we thought the sign should/would be for a good 10 minutes. It finally came – I got a picture, so did Jordan… except without the word Arizona on it. Such is life.

pre-roadie writing

hello, dear friends.

anika, my sister, and i are set to embark on a nice little roadtrip tomorrow morn, culminating in a weekend in the windy city. it promises to bring us closer together in so many ways; literally (travelling in a confined space with a bike, piles of clothes, suitcases and ceramic statues of jesus) metaphysically (in that whole brother-sister sort of way) proverbially (like a zwiebach two parts coming together to fuse in the oven) and midwestern-ly (as per most of our travel is in the midwest, i expect anika to start pronouncing her o's looooooooonger and to forsake her chill, california vibe for some downhome 'aww-shucks' heartland demeanor.) without further ado, a route for your perusing...or routing....or routusing. love. x

View Movin' on to Memphis in a larger map

hanging out with rob eans

these days, i have a spot of time on my hands. i've moved back from memphis and am working on finding gainful employment. this means lots of hangout time. naturally, one must find places that are conducive to spending hours and hours occupied by oneself so as not to become a drone and sit in front of the TV. my spot? coffee shops.

sidenote: neighborhood thrift will be opening their own corner cafe in the next few months. (complete promo: please head over to the corner of olive and wilson in the coming winter months for some solid french press coffee. there won't be a better cafe in fresno.)

now, as i have done a bit of traveling in the past 3 months, i am always looking for good coffee shops along the way. i've got a thing for the ones with character and/or a good aesthetic paired with superb coffee; the small, hole-in-the-wall, warm, inviting meeting houses where eccentric people work, old men sit around for hours and hours, talking about everything under the sun, and espresso is served fresh. here are a few favorite places where i've sipped on an americano or eight:

1. the revue fresno, ca

my version of a local watering hole. while i will say the coffee isn't on par with some of the other spots, the design is phenomenal with lots of darker themes, old wooden benches and chairs in black and red and a touch of vintage french art. it also has a section for books and local independent media if you need something to wrap your head around. beyond that, there's a big community vibe; a steady stream of regulars, down-to-earth staff and the feeling that you'll more than likely run into someone you know.

2. republic coffee memphis, tn

located just east of midtown, republic coffee was the best spot i could find in memphis. i'd rate the americano a 7 out of 10, it actually kind of has this weird taste at the beginning of the cup that somehow works itself out in the end. design-wise, republic has more of a modern feel to it with a two-sided bar flanking the espresso machines, booths lining one side and couches on the other side for studying. it's often filled late at night with rhodes college and university of memphis students studying or playing games, so usually there's a chill vibe. if your rolling through memphis, definitely stop by.

3. late for the train flagstaff, az

smaller in size but packs a major punch coffee-wise. i was able to hit up the espresso bar located downtown, which has its' own really cool aesthetic going. i picked up the "dirty dave", or something to that effect, and it was easily the best latte i'd had in months, smooth from start to finish with just the right amount of espresso and milk. late for the train doubles as a coffee roasting company with online ordering available; if you're interested in great coffee, i'd recommend throwing a couple of bucks their way and picking up a bag or two of the whole bean blends.

4. coffee slingers oklahoma city, ok

the most urban design of the bunch, which is kind of ironic considering it's nestled in the midwest. when i visited in the late afternoon, there were hardly any folks in the cafe, so it may be one of those downtown worker/early morning places, with all sorts of business and yuppie-types crowding the space in the AM. it shares its' space with what looked to be a pretty successful bike shop, so if you don't mind the smell of rubber while you sip, go right on ahead. the espresso seemed to have an extra bit of kick to it and the cinnamon roll was phenomenal. from what i saw, they had a wide selection of pastries and tea, so if yerba mate, red velvet cupcakes or loose leaf tea is your thing, you'd feel right at home with coffee slingers.

5. intelligentsia chicago/LA

the granddaddy of top quality espresso/coffee; also, probably the most pretentious. intelligentsia has had some pretty major success in the US barista championships in the past, so maybe they have good reason to be pretentious. the broadway store in chicago had quite the line when i visited and it's no wonder why: the americano i had was absolutely smashing. while there were similar design motifs with the silverlake store, it has a more comfortable feel than its' southern california counterpart. bottom line: if your within 45 miles of an intelligentsia location and are in need of coffee, the trek there is worth it.

other locations that i hope to visit soon...

alterra coffee milwaukee, wi

kaldi's coffee st. louis, mo

stumptown coffee portland, or

every starbucks in fresno........just kidding

fixing my fixie

ok, i'll be honest: i'm kind of a wimp when it comes to alternative sports/physical activities.

traditional sports (read: basketball, baseball, tennis, hell, even golf) i'm fine at. i picked up footie (read: soccer) while i was in the uk. usually in the fall, i like to enjoy a game or two of american football with a few friends. i played and won a few games of ultimate frisbee duringintramurals in my college years. in that way, i'm just like a majority of young american males.

shift the conversation to skateboarding, wakeboarding, BMX bikes, motocross, paintball and i will gladly bow out. i had an ill-advised love affair with skateboards for several months during the 7th grade. the height of my accomplishments: ollie-ing once and maneuvering my deck on to a rail that was approximately 6 inches off the ground for a quasi-boardslide. my loving fatherwas gracious enough to cobble together my rail out of extra wood and some PVC. hardly the stuff of legit skating. rewinding earlier, i became enamored with BMX during 6th grade. i'd ogle the really expensive frames, devising plans to mow enough lawns to buy one. i ended up getting a steel DYNO that i mainly rode before school. my ideas of a trick? standing on the pegs. i've never gotten up on a wake-board. i played paintball once and my friends shot me while i wasn't playing. motocross? come on.

needless to say, i usually like to stick safely to the side when it comes to these sorts of things.

until now.

i'm making a foray back into the alternative activity universe by setting myself up with a fixie. at the encouragment of a few friends, i've converted my old schwinn collegiate into a fixed gear bike. i know its the hipster, 'in' thing to do but whatever. i like it. without any more pomp and circumstance, meet my new friend DUBYA. he and i will be great friends.

social business, moustached men and arbitrary rankings

boom.

first of all, lets get this out of the way: you need to be listening to these boys.

i just finished creating a world without poverty: social business and the future of capitalism by muhammad yunus. excellent read, a visionary response to some of the economic and subsequently social/political problems on a global scale. the most compelling idea for me was the shift in the way we think about people. currently, most profit-maximizing businesses under the bottom-line eye of capitalism essentially view people as one-dimensional tools of production; their primary purpose is to be a link in the chain of making as much money as possible. as a result, we've got people obsessed with consumption and excess personally and being reduced to machines in their jobs, not to mention growing income inequality that reaches around the globe. not a good path or environment. enter mohammad yunus. seeing that the global economic system wasn't helping those in his native bangladesh, he decided to think of a better way, a more holistic approach in giving the poor access to the global economy. starting with microcredit in the 1970s, yunus has helped to create an environment in which the poor can lift themselves out of poverty and, most importantly, recognized that humans are multi-dimensional beings that deserve respect, value and access, creating economic infrastructure accommodating this. this distinction, that people are more valuable than their production capacity, resonated deeply within me. its an idea that needs to take root if we're to start addressing some of the gross injustices currently afflicting people around the globe.

moving on, started where i lived and what i lived for by thoreau. BOOM. love me some transcendentalist literature.

also, another item that sparked some solid discussion was the daily beast's study of america's smartest cities. where did my lovely hometown of fresno rank? dead last. in the study, there were only 5 cities that scored below 50; fresno was the only to come in with a single digit score. brilliant. after a couple of interesting conversations with friends who have bachelor's degrees and/or master's and are from/currently living in fresno, several things were pinpointed:

1. lack of a city hub/(sub)urban sprawl

downtowns been in arrested development for decades now. multiple efforts have been made to revitalize it from housing development to bringing in large businesses to putting a stadium downtown. all have seen mediocre results. to be honest, there hasn't been smart, sustainable thinking going into city planning. building csu fresno far, far away from downtown could also have something to do with it. universities should be at/near the city center and taking that away from downtown was to the detriment of the city as a whole. issues like public transport, housing, economic development would follow if we solved this problem first.

2. a leadership vacuum at the top

as my friend @justajust said, 'the people that have been running this town, their parents ran it and their kids will run it'. it might be time for some fresh ideas and to slow down the brain-drain fresno currently experiences, keeping young creative types here. (full disclosure: i say this fully realizing i'm part of the problem by moving to other places.) there has been some momentum, thanks to a few developers.

3. very little engagement from the people with the majority of resources

in many ways, fresno's a tale of two cities: the rich, comfortable, suburban north and everyone else south of shaw. while there are beacons of hope, the majority of folks in the north part of town aren't engaging with the problems simply because they don't have to. at the moment, fresno could be used as a prime example of what might be happening in the rest of the US: while the large majority of the population eeks out a living, those with the wealth and comfortable lifestyle turn a blind eye to the real problems at hand.

until we become aware of and take action to care about our neighbors literally, fresno will stay stuck in the cycle of poverty, stratification and no one caring. we can be the change the city needs.

the mad farmer liberation front

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

a guest blogeee? blogger? blogoid?

i had the privilege of sitting down with tommy adlard, fresno pacific graduate, boy scout danny drummer, easterby reading program associate and all-around studmuffin at the revue this week. the following is a snippet of our conversation

tommy, good to see you. what are you wrangling up these days?
how awkward is this. i was wrangling up some lifegroup and reading program today. also, picking up on my friend jordan. (full disclosure: i am that friend jordan)

lifegroup and reading program? sounds like your a busy guy. tell me about those projects.
lifegroup is a bible study run through the well community church here in fresno. we meet once a week for several hours and lately we've been discussing different worldviews and how they relate theologically with society. today, we chatted about different takes on liberation from evil. easterby reading program is a project based in southeast fresno that helps improve reading skills of elementary school children in the area and giving them access to positive role models. its a project jointly funded through the well and the fresno institute for urban leadership (FIFUL). today, we had an all-time high of 18 kids over, played a few games, read some books, got in a water fight and learned about not being stubborn. all in all, a solid day.

tommy, you spent some time studying in egypt. can you tell me one or two stories that really stood out that signified the importance of your time there?
hospitality stood out in egypt. they definitely have a much broader and greater understanding of the word than i've ever seen before. one night, i was walking back to my apartment in my galabaya (a muslim robe) and an old man invited me to sit and have a cup of tea with him. i wanted to head home but he insisting so i sat down. he only spoke arabic but luckily, i was able to have a half-hour conversation with him through the little arabic i had picked up. after our conversation, he asked me to walk him home. arm in arm, we walked home and i talked with him about the 5 pillars of islam. he kissed me on both cheeks twice and invited me to head to the mosque with him the next day. the next day, i met him at the mosque and this sweet, sweet elderly gentleman was ecstatic. we went to the service, prayed together and afterward, i overheard mentioning to a friend that i was an american and that i was muslim. he invited me back to his house, we had tea and i let him know that i was a christian, not muslim. i didn't really know the word for christian so it was a hoot trying to communicate what that meant to him. after that, he spent 3 hours trying to convince me to become a muslim. he explained that christians believe in 3 gods and muslims believe in 1. after a long discussion with plenty of hyperbolic hand gestures, i returned home. i never saw the man again but i saw a deep commitment to his religion and that his conversation with me was based out of a love for me. it shifted how i thought about evangelism and stressed the importance of action over words.

thats a great story......shifting topics, what bands are you currently listening to?
my current bands are breathe owl breathe, arcade fire, the dodos, bon iver and phoenix.

those are all pretty folksy bands. what draws you to that type of music?
its good.

your so ambiguous, tom. thanks for chatting.
your the best interviewer i've ever had. and the best lover.

a different gray

lets talk about some things.

first, jaydiohead be the freshest.

second, had a small roadie with my friend, who blogs over at guardian of the abyss. topics discussed included politics, shared anecdotes, and the unending abstract discussion on what it means to live in the valley we do, both literally and theologically, a place that can be unwelcoming and comfortable simultaneously. read unwelcoming=we both think differently on matters of faith, politics, community, belief, doubt than the infrastructures and subsequently the people we grew up with. the tension can be nagging; like an unwelcome thorn that gets stuck in your organic pair of Toms. it was refreshing to have an honest, open chat about the liminal space we both find ourselves in. read comfortable: places, rhythms, activities that give a sense of nostalgia, things and relationships that we don't want to let go of. those bits nearly make it worthwhile to live in this valley. nearly.

third, been rethinking, deconstructing, hashing out, ruminating on the vast proverbial horizon in front of me. to be completely honest and open, there seems to be little in the way of positive growth that can happen in this place at this time. i have applied to 35 jobs since moving back to fresno nearly a month ago and have had exactly 1 interview. 1. the situation lends itself to busting down the conventional methods and routines of plugging away at a monotonous occupation, living at home, eating parents' food and regurgitating the same awkward, slightly dishonest conversations with people who are pseudo-familiar. the rejection in the hometown has caused my sight to be shifted outwards, to places that are enchanting, romantic, adventurous, places on the margins, unconventional, ambiguous. this gives me hope; this is beautiful.

you can try to swim the sea but say goodbye to you and me.-avett brothers.x

commitments and commandments

today, i decided that i would listen to only pre-1970s music for the next week. i must ween (wean? weed?) myself off of modern music and dive into the past. thus i am committing to only listen to johnny cash, bob dylan, the beatles, rolling stones. i'll take it.

also, read haggai tonight. cheers. +

j.x

so heres the thing.....

apologies for my long absence from this space.

2 thoughts/topics

1. i just finished reading blue like jazz by don miller. right, i got to the party about 3-4 years too late but better late than later, i always say. its a solid read and to be honest, other people have probably done a far better job i could do at dissecting, analyzing, extracting the important bits. i particularly was struck by the chapter on money, the chapter on love and the chapter on jesus. they each kind of hung out together, met for a dinner party in my head with don at the front of the table, me sitting next to him, and love, jesus, and money sitting around the table as well. there is a certain sense that you get whilst you are experiencing something that is divine, that the Holy Spirit is speaking, showing up, starting to bond together the ideas of whats being communicated with the reality of your life. and that place, regardless of whether or not your conscious of it, is a brilliant place to be. a place of freedom, hope and forgiveness. don says at the end of the book that he enjoys jazz because it originated with the first generation to come out of slavery. it was a response to the freedom and liberation that came with being rid of oppression. and i really like that analogy. i'd like to have a song of freedom on my tongue because of the liberating, transforming, redemptive work of jesus. and maybe even do a little dance on that path.

2. been thinking quite a bit about the what i can do to enact transformative reality in my own life. it really all started when started reading rollins. whilst i realize that it starts and ends with jesus, there are definitely things i can do to put myself in a position to see changes and to grow in solidarity with others. and, to be honest, one of the greatest ways is how i spend my money. over the past 6 months since returning from england, i've realized there is an addiction, both on my part and the part of others my age, to a lifestyle that is literally unsustainable. we are addicted to a lifestyle that is fiscally irresponsible, intent on borrowing now and putting off payment to later, keeping up appearances, using possessions and experiences to fulfill the need for meaning in our lives. the byproduct of this is a world where the gap in wealth distribution is shockingly polarized. this isnt anything new. and to be honest, i've dealt with the guilt, shame, uneasiness of the situation and found myself as guilty as the next person. i mix love and money to create a weird, psuedo-aware, global perspective that keeps me in a place of moral superiority without giving up any of the comfort i am addicted to. because i understand and am aware of whats going on in afghanistan, rwanda, zimbabwe, i can claim to be globally sensitive to the needs of others. i can go off on how its ludicrous that the west, and in particular america, has decided that we are the most important people in the world, that we deserve all of the luxury and comfort that we can afford/receive. in principle, i am opposed to the inequality and injustice of the situation. and yet, i still engage in those comforts. i still am addicted to the little things, the perks that come with being american. and so, what to do? i'm not sure. and maybe thats ok. there has to be some stepping stone on this path, some bridge to a place that is pure and that honors other people before ourselves economically. in the meantime, i'll wander around the desert trying to find that bridge.

....no words....

i need some time to process. more thoughts coming on the experience i had with these fellows last night. until i can organize, watch this.



cheers.

photografaph geotagging

check it.

the response

Puke on When You Were Young.mp3

as promised.